You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I think my moral compass just broke
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