it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
