Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Randomize
