Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
