We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
