i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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