Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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