So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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