I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
