At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
