mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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