Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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