winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
