Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
