Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
