Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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