Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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