I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
