no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
