Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
