Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm always down for nudity.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
