we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
