So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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