dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
