I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
