Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
