nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
my being single is dangerous.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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