Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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