He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
should my penis look like a turkey
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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