i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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