My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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