I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
