i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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