Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
