I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
