Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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