theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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