he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
