You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
