my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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