I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
