there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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