Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
