my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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