I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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