someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
