I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
