She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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