Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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