he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
