I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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