Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
why is half of my head shaved?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
