I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
