I can text with my tongue
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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